What's my name again?

Gains and losses

2009-08-23T09:29:00.002-05:00

So I had moved in with my fiance but then found out that we aren't quite as compatible as previously thought. I did something stupid and hurtful so he decided to kick me out and claims he does not want to even try to work things out (but he still calls, it's weird). I'm still reeling from it but life is moving on. I am in a different place in many ways. I now live with a 22 yr old college student and her cat. It's a 1929 apartment/condo. No a/c but I can live with that. I have two jobs along with school and it is all going well. The semester starts in a couple of days. I need the distraction.

The beat goes on....

2008-12-22T17:38:00.004-05:00

So I haven't written for several months. I had and quit my first full-time job, went to Greensboro for college, and got a boyfriend/fiancee(no ring yet, not that it is any less of a reality). Having never been off on my own for any considerable length of time, being at school has given me some odd perspective. I realize that I'm still holding a lot of anger/resentment against my dad because he isn't acting like anything has changed. He's still living at the mission yet he still thinks he gets to control my life. I understand advice but he is going beyond advice giving. I think the final straw was when he compared my relationship with B to his addiction to inhalants. Where does he come up with these and what the hell makes that a logical progression?! I know it's not healthy to harbor those kind of feelings against people but if I don't have that then there is no feeling there. You shouldn't be able to say that about your parents. There should be some kind of feeling associated with them, even if it is anger/resentment.
My dad does like B, but dad has misconceptions about B because of the way my dad is now. I can't even be myself around my dad, I feel bad because B can't either. It's sad to me that my parents can't love B for all of who he is the way that I do; but unless everything changes, that's just the reality of it all. I think it suffices to say, in answer to the question I posed in my last post, that no I don't like who my dad is now. And despite the sadness that brings me, I can't change it.

21 Days Later

2008-03-10T10:03:00.003-05:00

It seems like it must all be a dream. Only I still haven't woken up. I feel guilty for not being sad. I feel sad because I think I shouldn't feel guilty. I've actually been able to talk about what's going on without bursting into tears. Does that mean I no longer care? I decided where I want to go to school. I'm the only one who has a plan for the future beyond tomorrow. Does that make me a horrible person? Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on and let the "adults" handle it. I am an adult. I've been an adult since this started when I was 16. We're finding out through other people that it's been going on for as long as people can remember. Maybe I've never known him clean. Will I like him more? Will I even know who he is? Will he know who were are without the cloud of stupor?

Is this all I have to look forward to?

2008-02-18T19:50:00.002-05:00

The camel's back broke today. My dad has gone to the Mission so that my mom can figure out what she's going to do. That little worn-out scrap of rug is gone and now I'm left rubbing my sore bum. The school says my application is 'Decided' and I put my hat in the ring for about six different scholarships. I should be excited. Instead I'm crying and my head hurts. I look awful and I feel even worse. I want a hug without needing to ask for it. Papa Roach's "Scars" about sums up the whole mess. And the thing that worries me the most is that I'm just like him...

What do you say when there aren't any words that work?

2008-02-07T19:11:00.000-05:00

Everyone thinks I need to talk about what's going on. That assumes there's actually something I can say. Talking hasn't helped. Yelling didn't help. Cajoling, coddling, denying, confronting, supporting, loving; it hasn't helped. The tears hurt. My eyes are so worn out that they don't want me to cry anymore. The problem isn't that I'm not okay with everything, the problem is that my being okay with everything has lead to more pain. I want to scream, yell, punch things, throw stuff; but all that comes is a whimper. I just want my daddy back.

Deja vu- the feeling you have been here before

2007-10-07T17:36:00.000-05:00

Insanity-doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
My dad had another relapse on Tuesday. The church elders and other people who have become involved have all given intellectual assent to the problem but the solution is the same as before, which obviously is not a proper solution. I don't feel anything. I was angry but now I feel nothing. I yelled at him because I was the one that found him. He's blaming my mom. I feel nothing. I feel nothing to the point of not even being able to carry on a conversation. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm broken.

History of my life

2007-05-14T11:04:00.000-05:00

I can no longer remember the exact dates and circumstances so this is the Reader's Digest version. Eruanno, this may help explain some things but I don't know, it's your head not mine. I've wanted to tell you for a while but, especially more recently, you've not talked to me. Now probably isn't the best time either but at least with this medium you can choose not to read it.
The time is late fall, my parents own an automotive repair shop where my dad is the mechanic and my mom runs the office. I spend time down there when I need a ride to a class at the community college or when I'm feeling especially lonely at home. It's dark outside and my mom has me take the shop guard dog to the back yard so we can close up and leave. She had told me a couple days or hours before that dad has been acting funny and to let her know if he is acting odd so she can know that it's not just her. He is supposedly working on a car but while I am walking back to the office he is just laying on the ground in the doorway to his tool crib(really it's a small room that has his tool box and stuff so that it can be locked away) staring at the ceiling. My dad has a condition known as cardiogenic syncopy. This is a fancy term to say that his heart will stop beating sometimes for no medically explainable reason. So I, fearing the worst, ask him if he is okay. He gets up and mutters that he's fine but the look on his face, the redness around his mouth and nose, and the rag in his hand all let me know that he is not okay. I tell my mom and she immediately figures out that he is huffing something. At the time we didn't know what but we now know that it is brake cleaner. We get him to close up the shop and we go home. My mom calls the pastor of our church, or maybe she called our elder first but, either way, the church people are notified. We were mostly relieved to know what is going on and were hoping that through pastoral counseling he could be helped to stop huffing chemicals. Everything was fine-ish for another couple of months where we found out his main reason for doing the huffing was that he wasn't handling the stress of owning a failing business very well.
After he "sells" the business to another person it doesn't take long before he starts huffing again. It is now summer. Once my mom becomes aware that he was at it again she makes the pastor of our church become more involved and the person who owned the business was told to switch chemicals or my dad was going to have to leave. My dad was also taken to rehab where we were told he would have to spend a minimum of 48 hours in detox. My mom stayed home and I went with B to the church retreat. While I was there I slept, alot. I probably slept for 36 hours of the 60 hours we were there. B was kind enough to keep most people from bothering me but of course the church elders and their wives all wanted to talk to me to make sure I was okay. C was there too but I didn't want to tell her because it was nice having one friend there that didn't actually know what was going on. Dad was checked into the rehab program on Friday but on Saturday when I called he answered the phone. I was more than a little stunned considering what we were told. Apparently he was able to check himself out because it was a voluntary commission. He had called my mom and gotten her to pick him up from the place even though she didn't think he was ready to leave. When B and I were ready to leave we invited C to come along too because without her the mood in the vehicle would have been several degrees heavier. We had a good time driving back home but I suggested we stop by to see you, mainly because I needed to be around some unrelated male that wasn't trying to make me talk about what was going on. Plus you have always made me feel better just by being around you, even when I was mad at you. It was good to laugh after such a hard couple of days.
The next week at church my dad had to stand before the congregation while the pastor told everyone what was going on. Nothing ever came of that. You weren't there that week but I think your parents were. I struggled about whether to tell you and decided that telling you at that time would have been more selfish than anything else. We were kind of on rocky ground anyways and I was just looking for a release.
The guy who owned the business didn't really care about my dad's health, he was just looking to make money. He didn't change the chemicals so my dad left. My dad ended up loosing alot of his tools because of the lack of a written contract about the turning over of the business. My dad went to another shop that he had subcontracted for and things seemed to be going well. Flash forward about a month and a half and my dad calls me from work and is crying and sputtering some nonsensical stuff about me needing to stay pure and not to trust any guy ever. My mom and I both knew that he was huffing something. Come to find out the place my dad was now working at had an even stronger version of the stuff he was doing before and the shop had less ventilation so he could get high just by walking in the door. He ended up having to quit and was out of work for quite a while.
He now works at the school I go to and, as the last blog post stated, has relapsed once. He has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses to take medication for it. He also has said that if God wanted him to be better He wouldn't use drugs. Yeah it's been a real hoot over the past couple of years. If you made it this far and still have questions I would be willing to answer them. Even if you don't have any questions I would like to know if you read it, please.

This love is killing me but you're the only one...

2007-01-26T00:43:00.000-05:00

My dad relapsed again. I got my ear lobe pierced again. Those two things are related but unless you know me and my friends explaining wouldn't be enough.
I am in the process of making my friends into my family because I don't think I can handle my family anymore. It's a rather sad end to things but sometimes the only way to deal is to get away. My mom wants to "have a talk" to "catch me up to speed" on what's going on around here. She doesn't know about the piercing or that I am moving forward on plans to move out, though actually moving out won't happen until late August at the earliest. This year is going to be very difficult no matter what plan of action I take. I am 19 and I will soon(hopefully by this time '08) have an associates in psychology. After completing that goal I was going to take a semester off and travel but if I am a "new home owner" then it is more likely I will be working my butt off. So much for the heady, irresponsible days of youth, eh?

It's Alive it's ALIVE! said as Dr. Fraankenstein

2007-01-21T00:31:00.000-05:00

Those that have seen Young Frankenstein will better appreciate the sentiments of course...
Well things have certainly been happening of late but most are hardly worth mentioning. It is difficult to say who will even find this blog again much less read and understand it. Though it could be said even the people that know me may not understand this blog or it's purpose. The internet is useful for therapy and this blog is mainly intended for that. I keep a personal diary but that too needs cobwebs dusted off of it if I intend to use it. At least with this blog there is the possibility of someone else seeing it and being pleasantly surprised by its contents.
I have been waxing nostalgic recently and reading through my old postings and the comments therein. It is both interesting and mortifying to know that I was bold enough to post some of the things I did though most people would deem the contents as harmless almost to the point of being embarrassingly boring. If only they knew *as she raises a knowing eyebrow* ...
But enough of the smoke and mirrors, on to the real substance of the post! Actually I have no idea how best to frame this so if this sounds scattered you have already been warned!
Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space
A few weeks ago I was riding around in a car with two of my friends and realized that it was just that. Two friends, not one friend and a person that I wished I could be around without having some flicker of extra feeling toward. Now I realize this might be either enlightening and liberating or horrifying to a certain person that may or may not read this but allow me to elaborate. I was in the back seat so of course I could watch this person without it being odd or uncomfortable and of course I am a girl so my mind was working and suddenly full-on, gear-grinding halt. I suddenly realized I wasn't thinking about this person or feeling anything for this person. It was puzzling because since I had known them I had previously felt something; the something felt changed through a whole range of feeling through various missteps and misguided musings but it was always there. After this person had been dropped off at their intended destination I fell into a state of thoughtful silence that could have been construed poorly had the person still in the vehicle not known me so well. I still cannot explain when or why it happened I just know that I now carry no feelings for this other person. The process of finding the switch proved to be much harder than actually flipping it. It has been interesting to remember the feelings without actually re(feeling, living?)visiting(?) them. There is still an awkwardness to our interactions but I now know that I am making, what I hope is, a valiant effort to change it. I am almost sad to not have any extra feeling for this person because it almost seems like I am somehow not seeing them with as much regard as I once had but I suppose that the focus can now encase the whole being rather than the things I had focused on before. Unfortunately the switch-flipping also brought to light the need for me to apologize for how I treated this person. When I see them next I hope to be able to do it properly but goodness knows I will probably end up blubbering all over myself and not be able to speak. I am rather emotional for so calculating and mechanical a mind that I have.
Wow so much writing and so little substance. Apparently I have more BS in me than I thought! Merci et bon soir...

Maybe it's finally time to embrace the inevitable...

2006-08-03T22:32:00.000-05:00

I've never been a huge fan of goodbyes but it seems as though I have already given up on this blog. I graduated and in some ways that made me less busy but in most ways it just made me tired. I'm working alot now, well almost full-time. I have internet in my room. And a new dog. We took Gabe to the shelter were, inevitably, he will be put to sleep. He was pyschotic and now there's little kids running around that love all dogs and think they love them. My dad didn't want there to be a risk of death or severe injury so off Gabe was taken. Really it should have been done a long time ago. We just didn't have the amount of time it would have taken to turn him into a reasonably good dog. I think he would have been able to if we started off right away and stuck to it. Oh well. What's done is done. Like this blog. "It's about as useful as jpegs to Helen Keller, I should do us all a favor and cap it like old Yeller." My compliments to Weird Al...

2006-04-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

So ugly, it's cute! Budgett's Frogs, named after the explorer who discovered them, are large carnivorous South American frogs. They can grow to be 5 and a a half inches in size, but since they aren't very active they can be kept in a small 10 gallon aquarium. Their tank should be kept around 86*F and they cannot be housed with other animals because they will try to eat anything that moves!

What kind of Frog are you?

2005-12-25T23:22:00.000-05:00

Yes, I do know it's been over a month since I last blogged and no, I don't really care. I don't blog when I have absolutely nothing to say, when I'm busy, or when I'm so tired I can't think straight and that's been the tale of the last month and a half.
So, hmm how much do you people need to know about my life? Well... I had a great Thanksgiving over at my friend Becky's, I have a 3.69 GPA for my Durham Tech classes(three A's one B that sort of counts as two since it was a class and a lab), and my Christmas was almost entirely untraditional but good anyways. I'm getting over the cold that's been making the rounds in NC.
In more recent news, I have a crush on someone new. *applause* It's still in the beginning stages and it's more of a passive crush because I'm still a little "gun-shy". He's younger than me. :P At the most he's two years younger so it's not too bad. I don't even know when his b-day is. I think he might have a crush on me too but it may be on another girl in our little group. Either way he's a really nice guy that I've known for a while. I've often wondered if he had a crush on me but it's becoming more obvious that he has a crush on someone but I don't know if it's me or not. I might invite him to prom this year. He's in high school and I don't know if he's going to one so why not? Can't hurt to ask. I'll probably find out if he has one and when "mine" is(as well as the theme) before I even decide for sure. I also want to find out his email address.
Actually that's about it. I guess if there's something specific you would like to know, drop me a line or two or ten or ten million billion zillion trillion. My email should be in my profile.

"...I'll be your number one with a bullet..."

2005-11-01T13:55:00.000-05:00

I want to go to a shooting range and shoot a gun just so I know that I really can. I've never been in a situation where I had to physically defend myself, and lately, I've been seriously doubting that I could if I had to. Maybe it's a deep-seeded insecurity, maybe it's the recent stresses placed on my life, maybe it's the books I've been reading. All I know is that I suddenly feel like some sort of shrinking violet that has to have a knight in shining armor to save me from harm. The problem is that I have no knight to ride to my rescue. It's one of those times when loneliness is your worst enemy, but your only thing there. It makes me wonder if having a guy friend would change anything. If I had a guy to hang out with would I not feel panicked when I realize I don't have my knife with me?
Is this stemming back to a desire to feel protected or is it because I want to be the protector? The human psyche is a very strange and complex place.
I've always been able to picture myself in a mentoring role, maybe as a youth counselor, but how can help other people with their problems when I can't even figure out my own?

He was a tall skinny blond with green eyes and a firey soul...

2005-09-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

His siren call beckoned too seductively for me to resist. His kiss left a sweet taste on my lips but a blaze in my mouth. He was so tender and soft I almost gave him more. But I resisted his further calls and forced him away. His musky scent beckons me and the taste of his kiss remains. I must resist his call, he is dangerous to me. My lips must remain sealed.

There's always something there to remind me...

2005-08-31T14:10:00.000-05:00

I was going to write a long-winded and heart-felt rant about my love-life, though really the lack there-of. Fortunately for everyone, I have decided against it. Instead I will stare at the screen until I think of something else to say. Well, after I rinse out the hair dye and then take a shower. Yes, you read correctly. I dyed my hair. Just a chunk on the front left side. It's this lovely dark mahogany red-brown. It shows up really well on my blond-red-light brown color layered hair. I have light brown roots, blond for about three inches and then auburn/red tips. I like the new color though. I may just dye my whole head. Though the dye really stinks. It made my eyes water. And it's really runny. Oh well. It's a nice effect anyways. If people don't notice then they must be blind or they just don't care.

Tiny bubbles.... bubbles aplenty....

2005-08-19T18:43:00.000-05:00

I am the only 17 year old I know that sits out on my front porch blowing bubbles, without being high. Well not that I know anybody that gets high... -_-" I actually blew bubbles until I had a headache; and kept blowing more. I didn't realize how hard it actually is to blow a bubble. I focused on it and made myself giggle because I couldn't actually do it. I am not afraid of being seen blowing bubbles. I am waiting for a guy that's the same way. And I am not afraid of dancing down the aisles of a shoe store if I like the music. Or any store for that matter. So the first guy that dances with me in a store like that is obviously going to be a very special person in my heart. As long as he isn't really old :P

The fantabulous, amazing, BUSY summer!

2005-07-24T20:25:00.000-05:00

I have gone more places this summer than I've gone in all the summers of my life. I have been to camp, the beach(a couple times), White Lake, I got a pedicure, I've been roller skating, I've seen a movie at the theater, and I've still managed to have time to watch cartoons, take care of my dog, and pine over not having a "signifigant other". I have also managed to write a story that's at least 11 pages long, note book paper, front and back. Really I guess you can consider the "chin altering experiance" part of my summer as well. And I am leaving tomorrow on a two week "vacation" to my Aunt and Uncle's house in Cochranton, PA. My closest-in-age cousin is there, she's a little over two years older than me. I have no idea what we'll be doing, but maybe I will find a husband :P. These are my Mennonite relatives so marrying young is no big deal. It would certainly be funny if I come back after two weeks and say, "Oh yeah, mom, dad, I'm married and moving to PA." Ok, well maybe I would find it funny even if nobody else did. Either way, I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I haven't even started packing yet. I pretty much know what I'm taking it's just a matter of putting it in the bag. Oh well. Another trip, another bag packed.

Operation: Birthday Funtastic...

2005-07-06T16:45:00.000-05:00

was a complete success. We had a few laughs, got our toenails painted, roller skated, and watched Madagascar(funny movie, the dvd should be interesting). It was the best surprise I have ever pulled off. Oh wait it's also the ONLY... Oh well...
I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. MOVE IT! *dances around*

Awww....

2005-06-26T23:54:00.000-05:00

No one cares that I have a plan...
Oh well. It's more for me than anyone anyways. So anyways... I love the new Kelly Clarkson song, Behind These Hazel Eyes. Sure I could have used it almost a year and a half ago but still. It's very applicable to the emotions I have gone through. If a guy understood what she is singing about and not just sympathize then maybe he's the guy I've been waiting for...

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore...

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I have a plan

2005-06-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

So lately I've been coming up with these story ideas that whirl around in my head until I write them down. They haven't been particularly good or even interesting, though one is really long. One of them is more written about what I'd like to have happen in my life even though it is fairly far-fetched. Though interestingly enough part of it has happened, but it's not the part that's far-fetched. I am finding it increasingly more difficult to write about things that are not related to my life. If I ever want to let someone else read what I write then it shouldn't be about my secret dreams. Unfortunately those are all I have left...

The cat is mad

2005-06-20T11:50:00.000-05:00

The cat kept trying to rub his face on the cds in the cd case and knocking them over so I pushed him away and gave him a pop on the nose. So now he's glaring at me.
Well I pet him and now he's happy again. We should all try to be more like cats. A quick pat on the head and a rub to the the end of the tail makes everything seem better. What he really wanted was food but oh well. People are like that too sometimes, being told no makes them mad but the offer of food and some love makes it all better.
I wish that was all it took to soothe my temper sometimes. There are certain people that push all the wrong buttons, intentionally and unintentionally. I get so mad that sometimes it's all I can do not to start spouting off. It's amazing the extremes they can send my emotions to. Sometimes I see it as more of a psycholigical experiment but sometimes it's just too hard to seperate myself from the situation. I really want the situation to just go away because whenever it presents itself I find myself wanting more and more to get the other person more involved in it than me. It wouldn't be very hard, it would only take a minute alone. It wouldn't really solve anything and I doubt I would feel any better after it was done but for a moment I would feel better. As soon as the moment was over I would feel worse. Or maybe I wouldn't. I would have completed an objective I had come up with as soon as I met the person.

My name is Rebecca and I am an addict

2005-06-07T23:45:00.000-05:00

I wish I could say I have kicked the habit... but the habit would hit me back if I did. I've gone clean several times, but the habit comes back around. Everytime I think I've gone straight for good, it shoves itself back in me like it never left. I know this habit is bad for me... but I can't fight it. It has become its own persona, it has an individual identity. I can't define myself within it but it won't let me be without it. It is what it is apart from me. It doesn't want to be near me and yet it won't let me go. Neither I nor it want to be within each other, but we cannot let go. I only want it back to remind me why I quit. It prevents me from other addictions that could be more harmful. The memory fades and it comes back again. One day I will remember and the habit will be gone, but until then, the habit needs to leave.

The song of the rejected

2005-06-07T22:43:00.000-05:00

To all the lonely people of the world who've been put down and pushed aside:
The only people who've never felt it are the ones who don't feel. They're the ones that float above it all on a breeze not caring where it leads. They're the ones that put us down, into this lonely place. It's not the "I'm bored and there's nothing to do" kind of lonely. It's not the "I am so sick of this HOUSE" kind of lonely either. It's the "I wanna scream at anyone who gives me a glance and yet I want to be held" kind of lonely. The kind of lonely that makes you hurt all over. Only one person can really fill that void. But what if you can't find them? Then I'm sorry but you're out of luck. I only diagnose, I do not cure. If you find the person, I'm glad for you. But even still, if you find my one, send him my way.

A day in the life of..... Rebecca S.

2005-06-06T09:40:00.000-05:00

Sat. June 4, 2005

It started off as a normal saturday, I woke up and watched cartoons and puttered around in my pjs. Around noon my parents picked me up and we went to visit the dog that's at the animal shelter on a bite quarentine(long story, ask if you really want to know). So we head back home and after sitting around for a while we decide to go for a walk. It's about 4 by then. I decide to take the bike(big mistake #1) because it's better exercise and, hey, I need to get used to riding it since I probably will need to ride it to get to work(^_^). I almost couldn't find my helmet but I did so I put it on(good thought #1) and headed down to the park. I waited for my parents to get there because they were walking with the dog. We let him play around in the creek for a while then decide to head further up the path to get him dried off before we head home. My dad wanted to run the dog a little so he was going to get on the bike but I insisted that I need to learn how to do that(big mistake #2). So I start out and the dog almost set me off balance but I told him no and he seemed to straighten up, so I kept going(big mistake #3). We get further ahead of my parents and suddenly the dog pulls out to the end of the leash in a direction different than the way we were going and since my hand is holding the leash and the handle bar the bike goes too. I didn't let go of either(big mistake #4) but I keep going forward instead of with the bike and the dog so my center of gravity is now careening towards the ground. I no longer had time to move my arms in any defensive manuver. I land, *drumroll* on my chin *da-da-da-DA!*. As soon as I stopped skidding forward, which wasn't very long, I emit a sound I had no idea I could make. It was a cross between a whale song and a very upset child. I had my hands under my chin, but not touching, but I assumed the wetness I felt was my tears, I found out later that it was blood.
When my parents come thundering up my dad gets my shirt sleeve untangled from the handle and sits me up to make sure I have no spinal injury. My mom is screaming at him about the blood and making it stop bleeding and to get his shirt off faster. My eyes were shut the entire time because I was still crying in the stereotypical boo-hoo-hoo fashion. My dad shoves his shirt under my chin and tells me to hold it there keeping pressure on it. Apparently the dog is wandering around trying to figure out whats going on and my mom was yelling at him to sit down and stay. She sorta flings the leash at my dad and barks at him to take the dog and the bike back home and bring the car to the park. So he goes off and I calm down enough to try explaining what happened. It was a bit of a whirl at the time but I got up and started tottering down the path anyways. My mom is trying not to hover but she can't help it, her baby is in pain. When we get to the end of the path my dad wasn't there yet so we sat on a big rock to wait for him. He comes flying down the hill in the car and screeching around the traffic circle. When he stops he pops out of the car and I show him the progress of my wound. It was then that my parents both realized I was going to need stitches. So we head to the urgent care.
The people were very nice and the lady up front went in search of a nurse as soon as she saw my chin. I had the shirt balled up under it still. The nurse comes and ushers us back to what else but, trauma 1. When she sees my chin she goes to find a doctor. This is making me feel real nice about it... not. He pokes around(with gloves on of course) and then mutters at the nurse. Probably something about how dirty it is. I just had to land in the little rocks-dirt-sand mess. He then tries to discuss with me about what they are going to do. I was in a little too much pain to want to talk and I guess mom realized that because she tried to field as many questions as she could. When the discussion turned to Valium I realized I was going to have to do this straight. I was not going to be that sedated just because I have an aversion to needles. The radio was on a pretty good station so I asked them to turn it up in lieu of a sedative. He numbed my chin with something in a needle. He kept telling me how good I was doing like I was some sort of little kid. I already felt really small so that just made things all the better.... not. When he was satisfied I was numbed up enough he let the nurse clean it out. My parents said that it took almost an hour just to clean it. Hey if you're gonna go, go all out. I liked the way the saline felt. It was nice and cool. She irrigated and scrubbed and irrigated and scrubbed. When she was done the doctor came back to do the stitches. He put this papery cloth thing over my face that just had a hole for my chin. He kept telling me he was almost done, but he wasn't. When he had like six stitches left the numbness started wearing off so he had to stop and inject more stuff in it. When he finally did get done he took off the paper thing and sat the chair back up. I had my eyes shut almost the whole time because they had a light on me that was really, really bright. That and I didn't really want to see what was going on. He left to finish the paperwork and decide which antibiotic I should get. My mom asked that it be a liquid. She's so smart ^.^
When I stood up I realized just how tired I was. I did get a peek of myself in the mirror though. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Having never really seen stitches I thought the doc did a really good job. He interned with a plastic surgeon. My dad keeps wanting to discuss what he did with me but I'd rather not know. Apparently he used a scalpel for some of it. Yeah I'd rather not know. I had dirt in my mouth the whole time and it was getting really gross. My mom asked if I wanted water and I told her Gatorade sounded better. I had been sweating and crying so I was a bit dehydrated. So my mom and I went out to the car to let my dad pay. He came out and said they don't take debit cards so he and I went to the house to get my mom's purse. My brother was there with his friend. He hadn't seen the not my dad left him so he had no idea what was going on. I showed him my chin and tried to tell him a brief on what happened. He didn't really care after saying Holy Cow. My dad couldn't find his keys so my bro let him into the house. He came back out with my mom's purse and a water bottle full of Gatorade. :) My daddy's so nice :) I had just stayed in the car because I wanted to go in the house and stay for a while if I went in and my parents didn't want me home by myself. So dad and I went back to my mom at the urgent care. That was when we realized that we could have just gone to the atm in the parking lot beside the urgent care :P So we paid the people and went to deposit something and get my perscription. I went in despite still being in my bloody, dirty shirt and pants. They didn't take very long to fill the perscription(I was an incentive to speed them along ^_~). We went home and I was able to get cleaned up and changed. We put my clothes in to soak in cold water and detergent. I didn't want food. But ice cream sounded just fine, so we went to Nut N Sweet. I got a milkshake. We hung out there for a while then headed off towards Starbucks to show my "sister". I got a plain bagel and ate about half by breaking off little pieces. It hurts if I open my mouth too far. When we got home I took my medicine and a tylonal pm. While I waited for that to kick in I laid on the loveseat in my parents room. My mom and I had changed the sheets on my bed. She kept asking me if I'd rather sleep in x or x. I just wanted to sleep in my bed. So when the tylonal kicked in I toddled off to my room and turned on my Celtic Sounds cd. I couldn't fall asleep until I turned mostly on my stomach. I slept soundly.
I have a few little bruises on my arm but the worst one is on my right thigh. It's actually a fushia and purple-black blob. It resembles a pirate face in a way. But oh well. That is the story of my first, and hopefully only, trip to the urgent care.

Isn't it funny

2005-06-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

I'm 17 years old and I'm helping to plan a wedding that's not even my own. And this one is actually supposed to happen! This is making eloping look better and better. Not that I have anyone to elope with... or ever will...
It's all just so complicated... and we haven't even made it past finalizing who we're going to invite! We're trying to find a dress. But it seems like the more we think about it the less and less we want to have this.
My parents are going to renew their vows. It's pretty much because when they got married they had a justice of the peace in my grandparents living room. They were 19 at the time. They got married on my dad's b-day so he wouldn't forget ;)
We've got the list narrowed down to 107 people. My mom is hoping to get it closer to like 75. The place we might be using has a max capacity of 120 people and when we first had the list it was 252. But now it's family and only close family friends. Well there's a couple people I've never met but this is about my parents, not me. Unfortunately with how big our family is we can't invite most of the people from our church. Plus we are on a zero dollar budget so we can't afford to feed alot of people. So I may end up having to have date in order to have some more people I know. Not that I don't know most of the people that are going to be invited... -_-* Never mind.

Could I get a price check at Register 7?

2005-06-01T17:39:00.000-05:00

I've been given many labels over the years. None have ever really fit. I am too much of a chameleon to fit a label. I'm not even a poser. I genuinely have an eclectic style, a varied taste in music, and a wide vernacular. I am sarcastic, flirty, disinterested, crazy, loud, shy, and funny. How I treat people and how I dress depends on my mood. I use who I am to weed out the people I can be friends with from the people who I will not get along with. Few people ever try to get to know me because they don't like their first impression of me. I think that's their problem. If someone doesn't like me the way I am then why should I change for them? I don't think I'm better than anyone. I do not associate with people who are rude or caustic. I try not to be that way. I do not expect people to change for me. I respect people for who they are even if I don't like them. Maybe my unwillingness to change makes me a bad person. Maybe it makes me a person who's comfortable enough with who they are that they don't depend on others to affirm themselves. The people that really matter like me for who I am so if you don't, you must not really matter.

My Baby Brother

2005-05-07T20:07:00.000-05:00

I love my baby brother.
We adopted my baby brother just over a year ago.
My baby brother was only two months old when we got him.
My baby brother needed a lot of care and attention.
My baby brother still needs attention but he is very independent now.
My baby brother is very friendly.
My baby brother accepts people even if they don’t like him.
My baby brother is very loyal.
My baby brother loves animals.
My baby brother loves to go for walks through the park.
My baby brother loves to go for rides in the car.
My baby brother is extraordinarily cute.
My baby brother attracts a lot of attention.
My baby brother loves to play with his friends.
My baby brother shares everything with everyone.
My baby brother has taught our family to be more caring.
He is the most trusting being I have ever known.
He knows just what to do when I am upset.
He has taught me that I need to be more assertive.
He has taught me that I deserve to be treated with respect.
He has taught me that even when you’ve been bad a sad-eyed gaze fixes everything.
He has taught me that giving kisses to people that don’t want them is sometimes the best course of action.
He is 2 feet 4 inches tall and around 90 pounds.
He has brown eyes, black fur, and a white butterfly on his chest.
My baby brother is a black lab boxer mix.
Yes my baby brother is a dog but I still love him.

I got a 100% on this speech.

The product of alienation

2005-05-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

I started drinking cranberry juice again. I had forgotten that one of the side effects of doing so for me is having really odd and realistic dreams. The other night's was particularly realistic, however laughable. I had a dream that I was pregnant. Even in the dream I couldn't remember how I got that way. When I woke up that morning my stomach felt weird. It's one of the "You know it's bad when..." scenarios. I've also had recurrent dreams about getting hit in the head and falling into a coma for 3 months. Though these dreams have happened for years, the time in a coma is always three months. At least these dreams have all been happy... or at least funny. I usually have extremely realistic dreams about the most horrible of things. The number of times I've dreamt about both my parents dying would shock you. And usually if I dream about being pregnant it's because I was raped.

I need a hug

2005-04-28T16:56:00.000-05:00

Some on-going developments in my life are getting to be more than I can or want to handle. I am not really at liberty to discuss details with strangers. My mother does not want it to become gossip.
If you are a friend I need you to be understanding. If you are not a friend I would ask that you keep my family in your prayers. Especially my dad. If I am able to give more details I will. This is not something that will disappear. I am not exaggerating nor am I pmsing.

P.S. If I do tell you, don't discuss it with anyone unrelated. That should be common sense but that doesn't mean that's the way it turns out.

The dreams of a dreamer

2005-04-21T07:29:00.000-05:00

Last night I had to very weird dreams. I'm not 100% sure I was actually asleep for them but they were still weird and they still were going in my mind so they qualify as a dream.
The first one was actually more funny than weird. I was at the mall for some reason and this guy walks by. He winked as he went by. For some reason I shrug, say to myself, "Well he's cute enough", walk up to him and kiss him. That was it. For people that don't know me that may not seem weird or funny but that's not something I would ever do. I haven't even kissed the guy I had really wanted to. I think I'm waiting until I'm engaged or it's my wedding day. Either that or it's being thrust upon me.
The second dream too place in someplace cold with a mountain and a camp. The camp wanted us to to complete a race and a group of challenges at the bottom of the mountain. As soon you got to the bottom you could start. I walked with a guy and a girl who apparently had either been sitting with me in the cafeteria or were on my "challenge team" because we seemed to know each other pretty well. We were keeping a steady pace and we kept passing people that had been running because they fell and stuff. Since the counselors were already helping the people we just kept going. We ended up making it to the bottom first. That was when we found out the challenges were actually meant for teams. One was a puzzle or something, one was using a lever to lift something up to get the flags that you needed to show you had completed the challenge, and the last one had something to do with a dogsled or an offroad vehicle. When we got done with the vehicle and got our last flag they told us we could drive up the mountain. The finish line was up at camp. I was driving so I spun the tires a little and gave a rebel yell. We did have seatbelts ;). We drove up the mountain and then decided to let the guy drive. I think I called him Jake. He drove us up and when we pulled into camp the people that couldn't participate and the adults that stayed up at camp all came around us and said that we had won. I bent over and hugged my teammates and told them, "This is the first race I've ever won. I'm so glad it was with you". Sappy, yarg-worthy, and weird.
Hope you got some insights. Actually, wait, no, I hope you didn't. If you want to dissect this stuff thinking that's all of who I am, you have really GOT to stop kidding yourself.

My grades

2005-04-11T19:40:00.000-05:00

I got an 88% on the speech and a 92% on my last test. I also got a 1840 on my SATs out of a possible 2400. With the "old" scoring system I got a 1260. I got a 7 on the essay out of a possible 10.
I have to do a commemorative speech on Saturday but I'm still not sure what I want to do it about. It's either hair dye or my baby brother. No he's not dead. It doesn't have to be about a dead person.
I'm hungry. It's too early to make dinner but too late to eat a snack. Unless I hold off on dinner until closer to 7. Mmmmmm..... snaaaaaaccck.....

The Air Up There: The truth about the hole in the ozone layer

2005-04-01T04:41:00.000-05:00

The cover for the February 17th, 1992 edition of Time magazine screamed out the shocking and terrifying headline “Vanishing Ozone: The Danger Moves Closer to Home”. The article goes on to describe how NASA has confirmed that the ozone is depleting in increasingly larger areas and could soon reach into areas of high population concentrations. I have been interested in science for most of my life. I was especially intrigued by weather and the atmosphere. I had heard vague references to a hole in the ozone layer from media, teachers, and other people I respected so I had always assumed that they were right. Over the past three years I have been using a science curriculum called “Exploring God Through Creation”. It is written by a scientist named Dr. Jay L. Wile. In these books I have found a wealth of information that not only deny the existence of a hole in the ozone layer, but also prove why it would be impossible for there to be one. How can I, only a teenager, go against NASA and say that this is false? I can because as well-written as this article is, it does not tell you the whole story. I am here today to tell you the rest of the story. I will give you a background as to what ozone is, as well as what it does, why scientists say it is being depleted, and give you the evidence to disprove their theory.
Ozone is the name scientists gave to an oxygen molecule that has three oxygen atoms. Ozone is all throughout the atmosphere, the concentration is higher in the layer known as the ozone layer. The typical way oxygen is found in the atmosphere is in groups of two, I will refer to this as O2. The bond keeping these atoms together is made by the two atoms sharing electrons. The most effective way to break this bond is introducing the presence of ultraviolet radiation. When an ultraviolet radiation hits the electron bond the bond is broken and the atoms create a bond with the nearest O2 molecule to form ozone, this also absorbs the ultraviolet radiation. As most of us will recall from science class the sun gives off ultraviolet radiation at all times. The ultraviolet radiation needed to break the electron bond is harmful to the human skin and causes cancer. Thus, while the ultraviolet radiation is hitting the atmosphere, it is hitting the O2, breaking the bonds, and being absorbed. Because of this, ozone is constantly being broken down and re-created, usually amounting several tons per second. The amount of ozone in the atmosphere depends on the season, solar location, and the latitude of the measurement.
Ozone is a volatile and unstable molecule that reacts with other atoms which renders them unable to protect the Earth from ultraviolet radiation. One of the atoms ozone reacts with is chlorine. There is always chlorine in the atmosphere. Because chlorine interacts with the valued ozone, scientists have come to regard it as a destroyer which must be stopped. By reading the amount of active chlorine in the atmosphere they claim to know where the holes lie. Some scientists have come to believe that the chlorine in the atmosphere comes from the use of chlorofluorocarbons, which are more commonly known as CFC’s. The phase-out of this valuable molecule has already begun in the US because of a bill that was passed through Congress with remarkable speed due to a unanimous vote. I say that CFCs are valuable because of their cheap production and the beneficial uses as refrigerants and fire extinguishers, among other uses. The reason behind the unanimous vote within Congress was a NASA press release that had found a startlingly high reading of active chlorine in the atmosphere.
This all seems reasonable enough. Unfortunately this was only half the truth. The report by NASA was quoted as saying that the reading was a “peak”. That means that the previous and following readings were either low or normal. The report also failed to mention that the amount of active chlorine, which is the form required to react with an atom or molecule, fluctuates with the temperature and the presence of atmospheric ice crystals. I mentioned before that chlorine is always present in the atmosphere. I also mentioned that CFCs are the accepted cause of ozone destruction. Unfortunately CFCs are heavier than air and the only way they could make their way up to the ozone layer is by extremely high winds. There has also been no evidence of the leftovers of a CFC molecule break-up found in the ozone layer. How then, can CFCs be the culprit behind the destruction of ozone? The answer is simple, they cannot. Where does the chlorine come from? The ocean evaporates around six hundred million tons of chloride each year. Chloride is the negative ion of a chlorine atom. An ion is an atom with an electron imbalance. Similarly, volcanic eruptions emit millions of tons of chloride into the atmosphere all at once. CFCs maxed out at a mere 1.1 million tons or production per year. That only translates to about 750 thousand tons of chlorine. Scientists cannot even prove that the level of ozone is constantly being depleted by chlorine.
I will finish by saying that a hole in the ozone layer is actually measured as there being a concentration of less than 50%. The first measurement and observation of this occurred over Antarctica in 1956, several years before CFCs were in common use. The hole appeared for three to five weeks at the end of the cold, dark Arctic winter. It was associated with the arrival of the Polar Vortex. The temperature required for this anomaly is -80 degrees centigrade. After the duration of the Polar Vortex the ozone level went back to its usual concentration. In 1989-1992, there was no Artic hole. While the book I used was published in 1993 I will venture a hypothesis that there hasn’t been a hole. For further information I would refer you to the book Environmental Overkill: Whatever happened to common sense by Dixy Lee Ray.

I would ask that anyone who wishes to start a debate about this to refrain from doing so in the context of this site. If you really need to then email me with your argument. And be prepared because I know what I'm talking about. This is another speech for my public speaking class.

Talk is cheap

2005-03-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

Talk and the so-called "art" of fine language is such a crock. I know people who use language to spin a web of lies and then injure the parties involved. They also use abusive language just to get a rise out of people they know can't defend themselves properly. These people should be known as monsters but, alas, they appear harmless enough to get away with their abuses. They have brains enough to know that children should not be subject to their torture and yet the children love them. These people call their abuse humor. I hope to at least be there to watch their comeuppance if I am not the one initiating it.
I suppose this all is tied to the dream I had. Only the person divvying out the abuse wasn't someone I know and I was able to defend myself. I've never punched anyone but boy did it feel good in that dream. There were other people in my dream but the involved parties don't need to know about it. In fact the only person I may tell isn't even a person.

All right some of you peeps needs a little info...

2005-03-09T01:27:00.000-05:00

First of all, regarding the box of stuff, not actually his stuff, just stuff I have that reminds me of him. Pics, notes, etc.
Second off, I had forgiven him for the previous stuff he had done. That doesn't mean that the impact he had on my life was completely wiped away. He was, and I feel secure enough to say is, a major part of my life. Even if it wasn't anything more than a friendship he was still the first guy I ever felt secure enough with to actually let him know who I was. I didn't realize that wasn't allowed to be a big deal?
And finally, I don't see the point in having a "friendship" where it is one-sided. That's the reason most of the former friends I have got to be there. If only one person feels safe enough to reveal who they truelly are then it's not really a friendship. So while I may seem cold and unfeeling, it's only because you denied my ability to connect with you on a bit deeper of a level. Until you either feel comfortable with allowing me to get to know you or decide I'm not worth the trouble(whoops that's already been chosen!) then don't bother.

Oh and a little P.S. I have a prom coming up and I am secure enough to go alone. No Sadie Hawkins for me this year! ^.~

And so I got a C

2005-03-02T11:16:00.000-05:00

Okay so maybe a bit of backround is called for.
The speech I posted was for my public speaking class that I am taking at the community college across town. On Saturday I had to do my speech in front of the class. I was kinda excited by the fact that there were only 11 people there including the teacher. And that was about it. I thought I had my speech memorized to the point that I wouldn't need much help. HA! I got done with the introduction and completely lost my spot. I had to go back and get the preperation outline from the teacher. I rushed through the rest of the speech because I was about ready to cry. I'm pretty sure I came in at two minutes under time and we get docked a letter grade for every minute we're under. And so I got a C.
Our next speech is a persuasive speech. It's not due until mid-April. I am doing a speech called "The Air up There: The Truth About the "Hole" In the Ozone Layer". I know that the topic is broad enough to cover the 6-8 minutes but specific enough that it can't wander. I am starting my research today or tomorrow. But I am having more than internet sources for this one just in case. I refuse to accept that I can only do a C speech. I am a good writer and a C is not the kind of work I normally do.
I already have my opening statement: I am here today to prove to you a supposedly well-known fact is not true. There is not a hole in the ozone layer the way everyone has been told.
I am so paranoid that I am going to do badly that I am going to spend two weeks on writing and research and then another three to four on practicing it. Because of the personal nature of my last speech it was very difficult for me to practice it in front of people I know. Not this time. I feel very strongly about this topic and I will not accept anything less than a B. I hope to make it an 8 minute speech. Though I am slightly worried that I will be mauled or otherwise accosted after I am done because there are a couple of "enviro-nuts" in my class. I won't accept any questions after I am done for fear of starting a heated debate.

My Speech: Kept Under Wraps: A Hidden Epidemic

2005-02-25T02:21:00.000-05:00

Imagine if you will, a teenage girl preparing for a date, a businessman sitting in a board meeting, or a grandmother waiting for her grandchild to arrive. These people appear to have nothing in common. Looking past the surface you find that they have one all too common link many Americans share. Depression affects millions of people with no regard to age, sex, race, religion, or social status. I am one of them. While I have never been formally diagnosed, I have researched this disorder for five years. I am here today to help you understand what depression is, what the warning signs are, and what is being done to treat it.
A major misconception is that depression is something a person could help if they really wanted to. Most, if not all, depression sufferers would be glad to tell you just how wrong that statement is. There are many theories as to what triggers depression but all lead back to a single cause, an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. Yes, the Zoloft commercial may indeed prove to be true. Triggers are thought to include stress, various medications, and certain diseases. Stress is, by far, the most common trigger for depression sufferers. Chronic stress often leads to longer and more frequent depressive spells and is the hardest to treat. If the main trigger is a medication, stopping use of the offending drug will usually clear the symptoms. Diseases that can trigger depression include hypothyroidism and anemia.
Symptoms of depression are often mild and may include: concentration problems, slowing of speech or thoughts, difficulty with things you do every day, and sleep pattern changes. Depression in children shows itself in even subtler ways than in an adult. A child may complain of vague pains, cry over small things, or even lose weight. Doctors often do not even recognize these as being symptoms of depression so it takes diligence to get a sure diagnosis. Seeing signs of depression in a loved one is often easier than realizing your own. Because symptoms are mild and generally internal it is easy for individuals to hide their depression from others even though it is detrimental to their mental and physical health. While doctors are unsure as to why, untreated depression increases the risk of stroke and possibly heart disease.
Methods of treatment vary based on the type and severity of an individual’s depression. Psychotherapy, more commonly known as talk therapy, is considered the first step of treatment. Often taking place in groups, an individual is encouraged to talk about what they are feeling in hope that they will be more able to deal with their feelings in a healthy way. Medications are considered a last resort no matter how dramatized their usage has become. Recent studies have shown that children and teens have a higher risk of suicide when first starting or stopping the usage of medications. All medications work by correcting the imbalance that causes depression. The most commonly recommended medications are SSRIs. That is short for Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. They have the fewest and most tolerable side effects. A notable SSRI is Zoloft. Another type of medication is monoamine oxidase inhibitors or MAOI. They have the highest amount of side effects and are most often prescribed after other medications have failed to work. There are no notable names in this group because of this. Herbal remedies are not recommended by the FDA but we all know how their track record has been recently.
In conclusion I hope you now know what depression is, what the warning signs are, and what is being done to treat it. Studies have shown that less than one-third of people suffering from depression actually seek treatment for it. If you or a loved one is suffering from depression I encourage further study.

Too long without a post.... So what

2005-02-03T11:46:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much to say and there aren't many people that even look at this so :P
I dyed my hair red. Yeah so you're saying So what right about now. It's an unnatural red. It's kinda burgundyish. I love it. It's too bad it's not going to last very long. Weird colors don't last very long unless you bleach your hair within an inch of it's life. I can't wait until I can finally bleach my hair and dye it blue. I was going to do black with blue tips but unless I get some help and some very detailed instructions I will just do a bleach job with blue tips or streaks or something. I found out I can get haircolor junk at Sally's. I'm going to go there and bug the people that work there so I can figure out what kind of developer and bleach I need to use. What happens if you just use clorox? And if you use the color-safe kind would it not do anything? :) Yes I realize I have a weird and sick mind. I wish I could get my camera to capture the color of my hair but it keeps making it show up black. I guess I can't take a shower until Sunday to shock the church. I should tease it into an afro so it really stands out LOL! The best part about the dye is that it is dark at the roots and gets gradually lighter the whole way down.
I got some new earrings for when I can finally change out the piercing ones. Why do you have to wait 6 weeks to change them out? It doesn't make sense to me. I think mine are healed up already so why can't I change them yet? Because the earring industry enjoys surpressing the pierced ears of America into waiting 6 flippin' weeks to change out the stupid piercing earrings. I liked mine until about a week ago. Then they have just been more and more annoying. Most people haven't even noticed that I got my ears pierced. The kids I watch are the only ones that didn't need me to point it out to them. So stupid. Oh well it's not like the members of the church I go to even noticed when I dyed my hair light auburn. It turned out a bright red that was still natural. Maybe the unnatural red will get attention? They also didn't notice much when I came to church with a "nose piercing". It was funny because half the youth group thought I actually pierced my nose. Yeah they don't know me that well.
So there you have it. A long-winded pointless blog. I can go on and on about nothing too :P

Yet another day has past

2005-01-01T23:26:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while since I last made a blog. Yes the one..... maybe two people that read this are getting antsy to hear the lastest on my boring and...... sleep-inducing life. Yes I am using lots of....... periods. They aren't just for ending sentances anymore ;) ;)
Yeeeeeeeesssss...... well....... now what? Oh yes the sleep inducing must begin. What has happened in my little slip of the world...... Yes it takes a while..... Hmmmmm.... well..... I got a new pair of sneakers.... I gained like eight or nine pounds over the Christmas holiday. I couldn't wear my jeans and I got so mad I was crying and almost tossed my cookies..... yakked..... created projectiles of stomach acid and partially digested food..... yes I could come up with more but I will spare the agony. We had subscribed for this magazine through my cousin's school fundraiser and we finally got our first issue. What should one of the main headlines be for you don't wish to know? Well it was a 7 step(the plan not walking 7 steps) walking plan to lose weight and then maintain the lost weight. The first week involves walking a mile a day. Very easy.... it's all about baby steps. The woman that came up with this "revolutionary idea"(yes it's right up there with eating moderately and breathing) claims you are more likely to stick with a program that doesn't involve extreme changes. It's all about baby steps.... Oh dear you aren't quite asleep yet.... hmmm..... what else can I bore you with? Hmmmm.... Southpoint is so novel to people just because it's new. Sure there's a couple stores that you can't find at Northgate but they aren't so wonderful you just HAVE to go to them. Southpoint still has that horrid new mall smell..... like fresh cut marble and spackle. I like my malls to smell like old food court foods of days gone by and thousands of shoe soles..... I know that seems gross but fresh cut marble is no carnation either....
I like carnations. They are my favorite flower. I actually don't like roses. I know GASP! Stagger back in horror. A girl that doesn't like roses. I don't like diamonds either. Ooo so they're going to last until God destroys the earth like you are REALLY going to be staring at the rock on your finger at that point... Pointless utterly pointless. I want my engagement ring(stop laughing it's just what I want I know it will never happen...... stop it........ SHUT UP ALREADY... sheesh) to be my birthstone and the birthstone of the one proposing(*glare*). So unless the one proposing was born in April it doesn't need a diamond. Most people don't like garnets. I am not sure why. It's like they are less than a stone because rubies have more "clarity". Well I have some that my grandmother got from a miner friend of hers or something and I like them just fine. Though it would be really bad if I didn't even like my own birthstone. But w/e it's late and I have church in the morning.

The point of irritation

2004-12-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

It's very easy to be irritated. Something as small as a hair out of place can send some people over the edge into a bad mood. The cause is usually not as simple as the hypothetical hair. It is usually a conglomeration of many things that lead up to the hair that causes the person to become uncontrolably irritated.
Adam is pretty cute. He's growing out his hair and it looks really nice. It's curly at the ends. He's quiet like his dad. And his younger brother, Michael. I get along with Michael pretty well. But then I get along with most younger siblings. I'd be interested in getting to know Adam better and see if we have anything in common. he smokes though and he's the same age, or maybe older I forget, as my brother. I know from Michael that he is into rock and the like. I have a pretty eclectic and varying taste in music. I like stuff from classic to hard rock to R&B. Not really into the hard-core rap and it has to be the right kind of "scream rock" but the general idea is fine with me. The only thing I can barely tolerate is country. I have very particular tastes when it comes to the nasaly twangs that make up country.
Hmmmm I think I'm having an ADD post. Nothing is really making sense in the way it is going. Oh well. I think the main reason Adam is looking so good is because I need to find a guy to crush on in real life. Orli Bloom just isn't doing it for me any more.

The roller coaster continues

2004-12-14T10:15:00.000-05:00

I diagnosed myself with depression when I was in the fifth grade. Or maybe I didn't figure it out until the sixth but whatever I've "had" it since I was about 10. The way it works is that I am in a "normal" spot for a while then suddenly I'm in a "high" but then it becomes a "low". It usually takes a while for me to "level out" again. My emotions run towards the extremes and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I guess the nice part is that it doesn't seem to respond to changing hormone levels once a month so it's less predictable. If you consider that a good thing.
The "high"s are getting harder to come by and the "low"s are becoming deeper and longer. And my "normal" spells are becoming shorter.

Does the madness never cease?

2004-12-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

I don't think many people are actually reading my blog. So I guess I will come up with more fun and interesting titles and hope people actually read them.
I've started having some really weird dreams lately. Have you ever dreamed(literally) of your face being clear(of acne)? Yeah I dreamed that I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and my blackheads(the bain of my existance) were gone. I also had a dream where I was at the doctors office for my "going to college" visit. Yeah girls will understand better why I woke up crying.
Strange but true fact, Thomas Jefferson was the only "founding father" that wasn't a Christian but he "pretended" to be so because he wanted to remain in politics.

The fine art of being gullible.

2004-12-07T12:05:00.000-05:00

It is surprisingly easy to be gullible. What's funny is that you can be gullible and believe things you made up yourself.

High on menthol so watch out deh now...

2004-12-03T14:16:00.000-05:00

A funny thing happens when you drink enough water to not be dehydrated all the time, you sleep better. It's weird. You'd think when you drink, or don't, it wouldn't matter a whole lot. It does. It also amplifies the effects of caffiene. And if you have a cold, it makes your sinuses drain exclusively down your throat. Try drinking a gallon of water in one day. But be prepared, don't be far from a toilet.

Just nonsense

2004-12-01T16:58:00.000-05:00

Blue cheese, mustard, spicy brown mustard, ketchup, and onions on a hot dog. Try it sometime. It also works really well with the addition of relish.
Stay in your pajamas all day on a Saturday while watching cartoons and eating cereal. Then changing into "regular" clothes so you can go to the mall for a while and bargain shop. Ross's works too.
The fine art of bargain shopping is mainly about not being set on exactly what you want. Unless you are shopping on Ebay, then it's okay. You can't get dissappointed if you can't find what you want. Clearance racks are your friend. Especially if they are at Wal-Mart.
Three dollar jeans are comfortable and long-lasting. So much better than those so called "designer" jeans. PAH! I spit at the face of designers who insist their works are worth four thousand dollars despite the fact there is only 2 square inches of fabric involved.
I am an unusual teenage girl. At least in the minds of people who "know" what teenage girls want. I think those people are really catering to what the guys want to see. Why else would a girl wear something cut up to there and down to there unless they want to get a guys attention.

Musings of a bored person waiting for a test to start.

2004-11-30T10:05:00.000-05:00

So I got to my college course last night and it was test night. Half my class was waiting in the hall because the door was locked. One of the people I know from lab asked me what the lab assignments are. While I tried to remember the lecturer came and unlocked the door. He had forgotten. There was some Asian music playing and some of the guys started cracking jokes about "where's the kung pow chicken" and such. So I took my seat and got out my pencil and pen. My pencil for the test and my pen to draw on my hand. Suddenly the lecturer is sitting in the seat next to mine and asks me about why I have to take this course for college credit. He also asked how I like homeschooling and why we decided to do it. He had gone over our projects which involved "personal" information. More on them later.
So I'm sitting waiting for the test to start drawing on my hand. I made a really cool design that's a flower with curvy lines from it with other flowers on the ends. I like it even though the next time I wash my hands it will be gone. I thought about going over it with a marker but oh well. I was waiting for 15 minutes for the test to start. I wasn't thinking the entire time. It was kinda nice. It only took me 20 minutes to do the test. The lecturer was handing out our projects when we put our tests on the table. I almost forgot mine. I made it all the way to the door when he called me back for it. He had written notes on them. One of his notes for mine was "I thought you were older" because I did include that I am 16. I am getting tired of being thought of as older than I am. Maybe I should just start saying I'm 18 so everyone will think I am the age I'm not. Compound the lie so to speak. I mean I am "changing my name".

Yay I have a blog!

2004-11-29T17:30:00.000-05:00

I am usually the last one to jump on the fad bandwagon. Apparently the fad was started by my friend's friend Kevin. Well at least in my little corner of the world. I am can actually do school while "blogging" because I am homeschooled. I am finishing my history tape. They are lectures that were recorded in the 80's and I found the point when flu season started. The whole time the lecturererer(LOL!) was talking the background noise was people coughing. Kinda funny really.

About my blog name and the URL, one day I was talking to my friend and she told me to go to Google and type in my name and press the I'm Feeling Lucky button. DON'T EVER DO THAT FOR REBECCA SCOTT! Especially if you are a guy or don't have worm protection or are easily disgusted. What came up you ask? Playboy's Ms. December 2004 website. Apparently her name is Rebecca Scott as well. So I am trying to change my name over to Z or Zita. Most likely Z because Zita reminds people of pasta and I'd rather not make people hungry. Or with the people on low-carb, afraid. -_-"

Well that's my little contribution to the internet. Time to post it.

What's my name again?

Gains and losses

The beat goes on....

21 Days Later

Is this all I have to look forward to?

What do you say when there aren't any words that work?

Deja vu- the feeling you have been here before

History of my life

This love is killing me but you're the only one...

It's Alive it's ALIVE! *said as Dr. Fraankenstein*

Maybe it's finally time to embrace the inevitable...

"...I'll be your number one with a bullet..."

He was a tall skinny blond with green eyes and a firey soul...

There's always something there to remind me...

Tiny bubbles.... bubbles aplenty....

The fantabulous, amazing, BUSY summer!

Operation: Birthday Funtastic...

Awww....

I have a plan

The cat is mad

My name is Rebecca and I am an addict

The song of the rejected

A day in the life of..... Rebecca S.

Isn't it funny

Could I get a price check at Register 7?

My Baby Brother

The product of alienation

I need a hug

The dreams of a dreamer

My grades

The Air Up There: The truth about the hole in the ozone layer

Talk is cheap

All right some of you peeps needs a little info...

And so I got a C

My Speech: Kept Under Wraps: A Hidden Epidemic

Too long without a post.... So what

Yet another day has past

The point of irritation

The roller coaster continues

Does the madness never cease?

The fine art of being gullible.

High on menthol so watch out deh now...

Just nonsense

Musings of a bored person waiting for a test to start.

Yay I have a blog!

It's Alive it's ALIVE! said as Dr. Fraankenstein