Gains and losses

So I had moved in with my fiance but then found out that we aren't quite as compatible as previously thought. I did something stupid and hurtful so he decided to kick me out and claims he does not want to even try to work things out (but he still calls, it's weird). I'm still reeling from it but life is moving on. I am in a different place in many ways. I now live with a 22 yr old college student and her cat. It's a 1929 apartment/condo. No a/c but I can live with that. I have two jobs along with school and it is all going well. The semester starts in a couple of days. I need the distraction.

The beat goes on....

So I haven't written for several months. I had and quit my first full-time job, went to Greensboro for college, and got a boyfriend/fiancee(no ring yet, not that it is any less of a reality). Having never been off on my own for any considerable length of time, being at school has given me some odd perspective. I realize that I'm still holding a lot of anger/resentment against my dad because he isn't acting like anything has changed. He's still living at the mission yet he still thinks he gets to control my life. I understand advice but he is going beyond advice giving. I think the final straw was when he compared my relationship with B to his addiction to inhalants. Where does he come up with these and what the hell makes that a logical progression?! I know it's not healthy to harbor those kind of feelings against people but if I don't have that then there is no feeling there. You shouldn't be able to say that about your parents. There should be some kind of feeling associated with them, even if it is anger/resentment.
My dad does like B, but dad has misconceptions about B because of the way my dad is now. I can't even be myself around my dad, I feel bad because B can't either. It's sad to me that my parents can't love B for all of who he is the way that I do; but unless everything changes, that's just the reality of it all. I think it suffices to say, in answer to the question I posed in my last post, that no I don't like who my dad is now. And despite the sadness that brings me, I can't change it.

21 Days Later

It seems like it must all be a dream. Only I still haven't woken up. I feel guilty for not being sad. I feel sad because I think I shouldn't feel guilty. I've actually been able to talk about what's going on without bursting into tears. Does that mean I no longer care? I decided where I want to go to school. I'm the only one who has a plan for the future beyond tomorrow. Does that make me a horrible person? Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on and let the "adults" handle it. I am an adult. I've been an adult since this started when I was 16. We're finding out through other people that it's been going on for as long as people can remember. Maybe I've never known him clean. Will I like him more? Will I even know who he is? Will he know who were are without the cloud of stupor?

Is this all I have to look forward to?

The camel's back broke today. My dad has gone to the Mission so that my mom can figure out what she's going to do. That little worn-out scrap of rug is gone and now I'm left rubbing my sore bum. The school says my application is 'Decided' and I put my hat in the ring for about six different scholarships. I should be excited. Instead I'm crying and my head hurts. I look awful and I feel even worse. I want a hug without needing to ask for it. Papa Roach's "Scars" about sums up the whole mess. And the thing that worries me the most is that I'm just like him...

What do you say when there aren't any words that work?

Everyone thinks I need to talk about what's going on. That assumes there's actually something I can say. Talking hasn't helped. Yelling didn't help. Cajoling, coddling, denying, confronting, supporting, loving; it hasn't helped. The tears hurt. My eyes are so worn out that they don't want me to cry anymore. The problem isn't that I'm not okay with everything, the problem is that my being okay with everything has lead to more pain. I want to scream, yell, punch things, throw stuff; but all that comes is a whimper. I just want my daddy back.

Deja vu- the feeling you have been here before

Insanity-doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
My dad had another relapse on Tuesday. The church elders and other people who have become involved have all given intellectual assent to the problem but the solution is the same as before, which obviously is not a proper solution. I don't feel anything. I was angry but now I feel nothing. I yelled at him because I was the one that found him. He's blaming my mom. I feel nothing. I feel nothing to the point of not even being able to carry on a conversation. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm broken.

History of my life

I can no longer remember the exact dates and circumstances so this is the Reader's Digest version. Eruanno, this may help explain some things but I don't know, it's your head not mine. I've wanted to tell you for a while but, especially more recently, you've not talked to me. Now probably isn't the best time either but at least with this medium you can choose not to read it.
The time is late fall, my parents own an automotive repair shop where my dad is the mechanic and my mom runs the office. I spend time down there when I need a ride to a class at the community college or when I'm feeling especially lonely at home. It's dark outside and my mom has me take the shop guard dog to the back yard so we can close up and leave. She had told me a couple days or hours before that dad has been acting funny and to let her know if he is acting odd so she can know that it's not just her. He is supposedly working on a car but while I am walking back to the office he is just laying on the ground in the doorway to his tool crib(really it's a small room that has his tool box and stuff so that it can be locked away) staring at the ceiling. My dad has a condition known as cardiogenic syncopy. This is a fancy term to say that his heart will stop beating sometimes for no medically explainable reason. So I, fearing the worst, ask him if he is okay. He gets up and mutters that he's fine but the look on his face, the redness around his mouth and nose, and the rag in his hand all let me know that he is not okay. I tell my mom and she immediately figures out that he is huffing something. At the time we didn't know what but we now know that it is brake cleaner. We get him to close up the shop and we go home. My mom calls the pastor of our church, or maybe she called our elder first but, either way, the church people are notified. We were mostly relieved to know what is going on and were hoping that through pastoral counseling he could be helped to stop huffing chemicals. Everything was fine-ish for another couple of months where we found out his main reason for doing the huffing was that he wasn't handling the stress of owning a failing business very well.
After he "sells" the business to another person it doesn't take long before he starts huffing again. It is now summer. Once my mom becomes aware that he was at it again she makes the pastor of our church become more involved and the person who owned the business was told to switch chemicals or my dad was going to have to leave. My dad was also taken to rehab where we were told he would have to spend a minimum of 48 hours in detox. My mom stayed home and I went with B to the church retreat. While I was there I slept, alot. I probably slept for 36 hours of the 60 hours we were there. B was kind enough to keep most people from bothering me but of course the church elders and their wives all wanted to talk to me to make sure I was okay. C was there too but I didn't want to tell her because it was nice having one friend there that didn't actually know what was going on. Dad was checked into the rehab program on Friday but on Saturday when I called he answered the phone. I was more than a little stunned considering what we were told. Apparently he was able to check himself out because it was a voluntary commission. He had called my mom and gotten her to pick him up from the place even though she didn't think he was ready to leave. When B and I were ready to leave we invited C to come along too because without her the mood in the vehicle would have been several degrees heavier. We had a good time driving back home but I suggested we stop by to see you, mainly because I needed to be around some unrelated male that wasn't trying to make me talk about what was going on. Plus you have always made me feel better just by being around you, even when I was mad at you. It was good to laugh after such a hard couple of days.
The next week at church my dad had to stand before the congregation while the pastor told everyone what was going on. Nothing ever came of that. You weren't there that week but I think your parents were. I struggled about whether to tell you and decided that telling you at that time would have been more selfish than anything else. We were kind of on rocky ground anyways and I was just looking for a release.
The guy who owned the business didn't really care about my dad's health, he was just looking to make money. He didn't change the chemicals so my dad left. My dad ended up loosing alot of his tools because of the lack of a written contract about the turning over of the business. My dad went to another shop that he had subcontracted for and things seemed to be going well. Flash forward about a month and a half and my dad calls me from work and is crying and sputtering some nonsensical stuff about me needing to stay pure and not to trust any guy ever. My mom and I both knew that he was huffing something. Come to find out the place my dad was now working at had an even stronger version of the stuff he was doing before and the shop had less ventilation so he could get high just by walking in the door. He ended up having to quit and was out of work for quite a while.
He now works at the school I go to and, as the last blog post stated, has relapsed once. He has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses to take medication for it. He also has said that if God wanted him to be better He wouldn't use drugs. Yeah it's been a real hoot over the past couple of years. If you made it this far and still have questions I would be willing to answer them. Even if you don't have any questions I would like to know if you read it, please.