My dad relapsed again. I got my ear lobe pierced again. Those two things are related but unless you know me and my friends explaining wouldn't be enough.
I am in the process of making my friends into my family because I don't think I can handle my family anymore. It's a rather sad end to things but sometimes the only way to deal is to get away. My mom wants to "have a talk" to "catch me up to speed" on what's going on around here. She doesn't know about the piercing or that I am moving forward on plans to move out, though actually moving out won't happen until late August at the earliest. This year is going to be very difficult no matter what plan of action I take. I am 19 and I will soon(hopefully by this time '08) have an associates in psychology. After completing that goal I was going to take a semester off and travel but if I am a "new home owner" then it is more likely I will be working my butt off. So much for the heady, irresponsible days of youth, eh?
Friday, January 26, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
It's Alive it's ALIVE! *said as Dr. Fraankenstein*
Those that have seen Young Frankenstein will better appreciate the sentiments of course...
Well things have certainly been happening of late but most are hardly worth mentioning. It is difficult to say who will even find this blog again much less read and understand it. Though it could be said even the people that know me may not understand this blog or it's purpose. The internet is useful for therapy and this blog is mainly intended for that. I keep a personal diary but that too needs cobwebs dusted off of it if I intend to use it. At least with this blog there is the possibility of someone else seeing it and being pleasantly surprised by its contents.
I have been waxing nostalgic recently and reading through my old postings and the comments therein. It is both interesting and mortifying to know that I was bold enough to post some of the things I did though most people would deem the contents as harmless almost to the point of being embarrassingly boring. If only they knew *as she raises a knowing eyebrow* ...
But enough of the smoke and mirrors, on to the real substance of the post! Actually I have no idea how best to frame this so if this sounds scattered you have already been warned!
Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space
A few weeks ago I was riding around in a car with two of my friends and realized that it was just that. Two friends, not one friend and a person that I wished I could be around without having some flicker of extra feeling toward. Now I realize this might be either enlightening and liberating or horrifying to a certain person that may or may not read this but allow me to elaborate. I was in the back seat so of course I could watch this person without it being odd or uncomfortable and of course I am a girl so my mind was working and suddenly full-on, gear-grinding halt. I suddenly realized I wasn't thinking about this person or feeling anything for this person. It was puzzling because since I had known them I had previously felt something; the something felt changed through a whole range of feeling through various missteps and misguided musings but it was always there. After this person had been dropped off at their intended destination I fell into a state of thoughtful silence that could have been construed poorly had the person still in the vehicle not known me so well. I still cannot explain when or why it happened I just know that I now carry no feelings for this other person. The process of finding the switch proved to be much harder than actually flipping it. It has been interesting to remember the feelings without actually re(feeling, living?)visiting(?) them. There is still an awkwardness to our interactions but I now know that I am making, what I hope is, a valiant effort to change it. I am almost sad to not have any extra feeling for this person because it almost seems like I am somehow not seeing them with as much regard as I once had but I suppose that the focus can now encase the whole being rather than the things I had focused on before. Unfortunately the switch-flipping also brought to light the need for me to apologize for how I treated this person. When I see them next I hope to be able to do it properly but goodness knows I will probably end up blubbering all over myself and not be able to speak. I am rather emotional for so calculating and mechanical a mind that I have.
Wow so much writing and so little substance. Apparently I have more BS in me than I thought! Merci et bon soir...
Well things have certainly been happening of late but most are hardly worth mentioning. It is difficult to say who will even find this blog again much less read and understand it. Though it could be said even the people that know me may not understand this blog or it's purpose. The internet is useful for therapy and this blog is mainly intended for that. I keep a personal diary but that too needs cobwebs dusted off of it if I intend to use it. At least with this blog there is the possibility of someone else seeing it and being pleasantly surprised by its contents.
I have been waxing nostalgic recently and reading through my old postings and the comments therein. It is both interesting and mortifying to know that I was bold enough to post some of the things I did though most people would deem the contents as harmless almost to the point of being embarrassingly boring. If only they knew *as she raises a knowing eyebrow* ...
But enough of the smoke and mirrors, on to the real substance of the post! Actually I have no idea how best to frame this so if this sounds scattered you have already been warned!
Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space Scattered space
A few weeks ago I was riding around in a car with two of my friends and realized that it was just that. Two friends, not one friend and a person that I wished I could be around without having some flicker of extra feeling toward. Now I realize this might be either enlightening and liberating or horrifying to a certain person that may or may not read this but allow me to elaborate. I was in the back seat so of course I could watch this person without it being odd or uncomfortable and of course I am a girl so my mind was working and suddenly full-on, gear-grinding halt. I suddenly realized I wasn't thinking about this person or feeling anything for this person. It was puzzling because since I had known them I had previously felt something; the something felt changed through a whole range of feeling through various missteps and misguided musings but it was always there. After this person had been dropped off at their intended destination I fell into a state of thoughtful silence that could have been construed poorly had the person still in the vehicle not known me so well. I still cannot explain when or why it happened I just know that I now carry no feelings for this other person. The process of finding the switch proved to be much harder than actually flipping it. It has been interesting to remember the feelings without actually re(feeling, living?)visiting(?) them. There is still an awkwardness to our interactions but I now know that I am making, what I hope is, a valiant effort to change it. I am almost sad to not have any extra feeling for this person because it almost seems like I am somehow not seeing them with as much regard as I once had but I suppose that the focus can now encase the whole being rather than the things I had focused on before. Unfortunately the switch-flipping also brought to light the need for me to apologize for how I treated this person. When I see them next I hope to be able to do it properly but goodness knows I will probably end up blubbering all over myself and not be able to speak. I am rather emotional for so calculating and mechanical a mind that I have.
Wow so much writing and so little substance. Apparently I have more BS in me than I thought! Merci et bon soir...
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