The beat goes on....

So I haven't written for several months. I had and quit my first full-time job, went to Greensboro for college, and got a boyfriend/fiancee(no ring yet, not that it is any less of a reality). Having never been off on my own for any considerable length of time, being at school has given me some odd perspective. I realize that I'm still holding a lot of anger/resentment against my dad because he isn't acting like anything has changed. He's still living at the mission yet he still thinks he gets to control my life. I understand advice but he is going beyond advice giving. I think the final straw was when he compared my relationship with B to his addiction to inhalants. Where does he come up with these and what the hell makes that a logical progression?! I know it's not healthy to harbor those kind of feelings against people but if I don't have that then there is no feeling there. You shouldn't be able to say that about your parents. There should be some kind of feeling associated with them, even if it is anger/resentment.
My dad does like B, but dad has misconceptions about B because of the way my dad is now. I can't even be myself around my dad, I feel bad because B can't either. It's sad to me that my parents can't love B for all of who he is the way that I do; but unless everything changes, that's just the reality of it all. I think it suffices to say, in answer to the question I posed in my last post, that no I don't like who my dad is now. And despite the sadness that brings me, I can't change it.

21 Days Later

It seems like it must all be a dream. Only I still haven't woken up. I feel guilty for not being sad. I feel sad because I think I shouldn't feel guilty. I've actually been able to talk about what's going on without bursting into tears. Does that mean I no longer care? I decided where I want to go to school. I'm the only one who has a plan for the future beyond tomorrow. Does that make me a horrible person? Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on and let the "adults" handle it. I am an adult. I've been an adult since this started when I was 16. We're finding out through other people that it's been going on for as long as people can remember. Maybe I've never known him clean. Will I like him more? Will I even know who he is? Will he know who were are without the cloud of stupor?

Is this all I have to look forward to?

The camel's back broke today. My dad has gone to the Mission so that my mom can figure out what she's going to do. That little worn-out scrap of rug is gone and now I'm left rubbing my sore bum. The school says my application is 'Decided' and I put my hat in the ring for about six different scholarships. I should be excited. Instead I'm crying and my head hurts. I look awful and I feel even worse. I want a hug without needing to ask for it. Papa Roach's "Scars" about sums up the whole mess. And the thing that worries me the most is that I'm just like him...

What do you say when there aren't any words that work?

Everyone thinks I need to talk about what's going on. That assumes there's actually something I can say. Talking hasn't helped. Yelling didn't help. Cajoling, coddling, denying, confronting, supporting, loving; it hasn't helped. The tears hurt. My eyes are so worn out that they don't want me to cry anymore. The problem isn't that I'm not okay with everything, the problem is that my being okay with everything has lead to more pain. I want to scream, yell, punch things, throw stuff; but all that comes is a whimper. I just want my daddy back.