Awww....

No one cares that I have a plan...
Oh well. It's more for me than anyone anyways. So anyways... I love the new Kelly Clarkson song, Behind These Hazel Eyes. Sure I could have used it almost a year and a half ago but still. It's very applicable to the emotions I have gone through. If a guy understood what she is singing about and not just sympathize then maybe he's the guy I've been waiting for...

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore...

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I have a plan

So lately I've been coming up with these story ideas that whirl around in my head until I write them down. They haven't been particularly good or even interesting, though one is really long. One of them is more written about what I'd like to have happen in my life even though it is fairly far-fetched. Though interestingly enough part of it has happened, but it's not the part that's far-fetched. I am finding it increasingly more difficult to write about things that are not related to my life. If I ever want to let someone else read what I write then it shouldn't be about my secret dreams. Unfortunately those are all I have left...

The cat is mad

The cat kept trying to rub his face on the cds in the cd case and knocking them over so I pushed him away and gave him a pop on the nose. So now he's glaring at me.
Well I pet him and now he's happy again. We should all try to be more like cats. A quick pat on the head and a rub to the the end of the tail makes everything seem better. What he really wanted was food but oh well. People are like that too sometimes, being told no makes them mad but the offer of food and some love makes it all better.
I wish that was all it took to soothe my temper sometimes. There are certain people that push all the wrong buttons, intentionally and unintentionally. I get so mad that sometimes it's all I can do not to start spouting off. It's amazing the extremes they can send my emotions to. Sometimes I see it as more of a psycholigical experiment but sometimes it's just too hard to seperate myself from the situation. I really want the situation to just go away because whenever it presents itself I find myself wanting more and more to get the other person more involved in it than me. It wouldn't be very hard, it would only take a minute alone. It wouldn't really solve anything and I doubt I would feel any better after it was done but for a moment I would feel better. As soon as the moment was over I would feel worse. Or maybe I wouldn't. I would have completed an objective I had come up with as soon as I met the person.

My name is Rebecca and I am an addict

I wish I could say I have kicked the habit... but the habit would hit me back if I did. I've gone clean several times, but the habit comes back around. Everytime I think I've gone straight for good, it shoves itself back in me like it never left. I know this habit is bad for me... but I can't fight it. It has become its own persona, it has an individual identity. I can't define myself within it but it won't let me be without it. It is what it is apart from me. It doesn't want to be near me and yet it won't let me go. Neither I nor it want to be within each other, but we cannot let go. I only want it back to remind me why I quit. It prevents me from other addictions that could be more harmful. The memory fades and it comes back again. One day I will remember and the habit will be gone, but until then, the habit needs to leave.

The song of the rejected

To all the lonely people of the world who've been put down and pushed aside:
The only people who've never felt it are the ones who don't feel. They're the ones that float above it all on a breeze not caring where it leads. They're the ones that put us down, into this lonely place. It's not the "I'm bored and there's nothing to do" kind of lonely. It's not the "I am so sick of this HOUSE" kind of lonely either. It's the "I wanna scream at anyone who gives me a glance and yet I want to be held" kind of lonely. The kind of lonely that makes you hurt all over. Only one person can really fill that void. But what if you can't find them? Then I'm sorry but you're out of luck. I only diagnose, I do not cure. If you find the person, I'm glad for you. But even still, if you find my one, send him my way.

A day in the life of..... Rebecca S.

Sat. June 4, 2005

It started off as a normal saturday, I woke up and watched cartoons and puttered around in my pjs. Around noon my parents picked me up and we went to visit the dog that's at the animal shelter on a bite quarentine(long story, ask if you really want to know). So we head back home and after sitting around for a while we decide to go for a walk. It's about 4 by then. I decide to take the bike(big mistake #1) because it's better exercise and, hey, I need to get used to riding it since I probably will need to ride it to get to work(^_^). I almost couldn't find my helmet but I did so I put it on(good thought #1) and headed down to the park. I waited for my parents to get there because they were walking with the dog. We let him play around in the creek for a while then decide to head further up the path to get him dried off before we head home. My dad wanted to run the dog a little so he was going to get on the bike but I insisted that I need to learn how to do that(big mistake #2). So I start out and the dog almost set me off balance but I told him no and he seemed to straighten up, so I kept going(big mistake #3). We get further ahead of my parents and suddenly the dog pulls out to the end of the leash in a direction different than the way we were going and since my hand is holding the leash and the handle bar the bike goes too. I didn't let go of either(big mistake #4) but I keep going forward instead of with the bike and the dog so my center of gravity is now careening towards the ground. I no longer had time to move my arms in any defensive manuver. I land, *drumroll* on my chin *da-da-da-DA!*. As soon as I stopped skidding forward, which wasn't very long, I emit a sound I had no idea I could make. It was a cross between a whale song and a very upset child. I had my hands under my chin, but not touching, but I assumed the wetness I felt was my tears, I found out later that it was blood.
When my parents come thundering up my dad gets my shirt sleeve untangled from the handle and sits me up to make sure I have no spinal injury. My mom is screaming at him about the blood and making it stop bleeding and to get his shirt off faster. My eyes were shut the entire time because I was still crying in the stereotypical boo-hoo-hoo fashion. My dad shoves his shirt under my chin and tells me to hold it there keeping pressure on it. Apparently the dog is wandering around trying to figure out whats going on and my mom was yelling at him to sit down and stay. She sorta flings the leash at my dad and barks at him to take the dog and the bike back home and bring the car to the park. So he goes off and I calm down enough to try explaining what happened. It was a bit of a whirl at the time but I got up and started tottering down the path anyways. My mom is trying not to hover but she can't help it, her baby is in pain. When we get to the end of the path my dad wasn't there yet so we sat on a big rock to wait for him. He comes flying down the hill in the car and screeching around the traffic circle. When he stops he pops out of the car and I show him the progress of my wound. It was then that my parents both realized I was going to need stitches. So we head to the urgent care.
The people were very nice and the lady up front went in search of a nurse as soon as she saw my chin. I had the shirt balled up under it still. The nurse comes and ushers us back to what else but, trauma 1. When she sees my chin she goes to find a doctor. This is making me feel real nice about it... not. He pokes around(with gloves on of course) and then mutters at the nurse. Probably something about how dirty it is. I just had to land in the little rocks-dirt-sand mess. He then tries to discuss with me about what they are going to do. I was in a little too much pain to want to talk and I guess mom realized that because she tried to field as many questions as she could. When the discussion turned to Valium I realized I was going to have to do this straight. I was not going to be that sedated just because I have an aversion to needles. The radio was on a pretty good station so I asked them to turn it up in lieu of a sedative. He numbed my chin with something in a needle. He kept telling me how good I was doing like I was some sort of little kid. I already felt really small so that just made things all the better.... not. When he was satisfied I was numbed up enough he let the nurse clean it out. My parents said that it took almost an hour just to clean it. Hey if you're gonna go, go all out. I liked the way the saline felt. It was nice and cool. She irrigated and scrubbed and irrigated and scrubbed. When she was done the doctor came back to do the stitches. He put this papery cloth thing over my face that just had a hole for my chin. He kept telling me he was almost done, but he wasn't. When he had like six stitches left the numbness started wearing off so he had to stop and inject more stuff in it. When he finally did get done he took off the paper thing and sat the chair back up. I had my eyes shut almost the whole time because they had a light on me that was really, really bright. That and I didn't really want to see what was going on. He left to finish the paperwork and decide which antibiotic I should get. My mom asked that it be a liquid. She's so smart ^.^
When I stood up I realized just how tired I was. I did get a peek of myself in the mirror though. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Having never really seen stitches I thought the doc did a really good job. He interned with a plastic surgeon. My dad keeps wanting to discuss what he did with me but I'd rather not know. Apparently he used a scalpel for some of it. Yeah I'd rather not know. I had dirt in my mouth the whole time and it was getting really gross. My mom asked if I wanted water and I told her Gatorade sounded better. I had been sweating and crying so I was a bit dehydrated. So my mom and I went out to the car to let my dad pay. He came out and said they don't take debit cards so he and I went to the house to get my mom's purse. My brother was there with his friend. He hadn't seen the not my dad left him so he had no idea what was going on. I showed him my chin and tried to tell him a brief on what happened. He didn't really care after saying Holy Cow. My dad couldn't find his keys so my bro let him into the house. He came back out with my mom's purse and a water bottle full of Gatorade. :) My daddy's so nice :) I had just stayed in the car because I wanted to go in the house and stay for a while if I went in and my parents didn't want me home by myself. So dad and I went back to my mom at the urgent care. That was when we realized that we could have just gone to the atm in the parking lot beside the urgent care :P So we paid the people and went to deposit something and get my perscription. I went in despite still being in my bloody, dirty shirt and pants. They didn't take very long to fill the perscription(I was an incentive to speed them along ^_~). We went home and I was able to get cleaned up and changed. We put my clothes in to soak in cold water and detergent. I didn't want food. But ice cream sounded just fine, so we went to Nut N Sweet. I got a milkshake. We hung out there for a while then headed off towards Starbucks to show my "sister". I got a plain bagel and ate about half by breaking off little pieces. It hurts if I open my mouth too far. When we got home I took my medicine and a tylonal pm. While I waited for that to kick in I laid on the loveseat in my parents room. My mom and I had changed the sheets on my bed. She kept asking me if I'd rather sleep in x or x. I just wanted to sleep in my bed. So when the tylonal kicked in I toddled off to my room and turned on my Celtic Sounds cd. I couldn't fall asleep until I turned mostly on my stomach. I slept soundly.
I have a few little bruises on my arm but the worst one is on my right thigh. It's actually a fushia and purple-black blob. It resembles a pirate face in a way. But oh well. That is the story of my first, and hopefully only, trip to the urgent care.

Isn't it funny

I'm 17 years old and I'm helping to plan a wedding that's not even my own. And this one is actually supposed to happen! This is making eloping look better and better. Not that I have anyone to elope with... or ever will...
It's all just so complicated... and we haven't even made it past finalizing who we're going to invite! We're trying to find a dress. But it seems like the more we think about it the less and less we want to have this.
My parents are going to renew their vows. It's pretty much because when they got married they had a justice of the peace in my grandparents living room. They were 19 at the time. They got married on my dad's b-day so he wouldn't forget ;)
We've got the list narrowed down to 107 people. My mom is hoping to get it closer to like 75. The place we might be using has a max capacity of 120 people and when we first had the list it was 252. But now it's family and only close family friends. Well there's a couple people I've never met but this is about my parents, not me. Unfortunately with how big our family is we can't invite most of the people from our church. Plus we are on a zero dollar budget so we can't afford to feed alot of people. So I may end up having to have date in order to have some more people I know. Not that I don't know most of the people that are going to be invited... -_-* Never mind.

Could I get a price check at Register 7?

I've been given many labels over the years. None have ever really fit. I am too much of a chameleon to fit a label. I'm not even a poser. I genuinely have an eclectic style, a varied taste in music, and a wide vernacular. I am sarcastic, flirty, disinterested, crazy, loud, shy, and funny. How I treat people and how I dress depends on my mood. I use who I am to weed out the people I can be friends with from the people who I will not get along with. Few people ever try to get to know me because they don't like their first impression of me. I think that's their problem. If someone doesn't like me the way I am then why should I change for them? I don't think I'm better than anyone. I do not associate with people who are rude or caustic. I try not to be that way. I do not expect people to change for me. I respect people for who they are even if I don't like them. Maybe my unwillingness to change makes me a bad person. Maybe it makes me a person who's comfortable enough with who they are that they don't depend on others to affirm themselves. The people that really matter like me for who I am so if you don't, you must not really matter.